Fully Auto Alchemist
by Ilovepievich
Summary: What do you get when you mix a good heart, shrewd mind, and no taboos? You get The Savior of Dogs, Master Pranker, and Expert Whaler- Mister Gustav Schmidt! Read his adventurous path, or not!
1. Taking with Yourself

**Welp, to bad, I'm not dead yet. For some time, I was pretty badly sick since the last time you and I seen each other. Thankfully I'm starting to feel better now.** **Why don't I continue the other ones, you might say to me. Well, I have this idea in me head more then the others. That's about it with all this. I'm doing it for fun, and right now this is funner to me.** **Law Stuff** **I don't own any money making ideas to my name. Not any alchemy, bugs, weapons, or toys. The only idea that may get me money is a line of jams and jelly's that I've been missing with for sometime now.**

 **Start**

As I look at the gate for the third time in my life, I think to myself, I should train my dog better. Now I know what many people would say to this" Why in hell would you risk breaking the taboo for that?!" Those people get a free suplex on the fully auto pain train of righteousness!

I get roll into a landing infront of myself. That may sound weird, but it's the Truth. I wonder why so many people say bad things about themselves? I take note of my lack of a smile.

"It's always nice to put people into there place, but can you please stop taking the fun out of it? Happy isn't the mood for this place, but enough of my preaching to a rock. I have a deal to work out with you."

Who would have thunk it? Me making deals with myself. That makes me sound like a moody teen.

" What do I have in mind? If you were me you'd know what I want."

I see me white fist draw back in anger, then it falls to the side like a wimp dick.

" All that I am is truth. I may be you, but I'm not the you that can think for you."

I quicky lean into my face.

" We that was helpful, not. Now what do I want with myself? Well, besides a female clone to bone."

I chuckled as I shuffled away from myself.

" In one of the timelines, outsiders are threatening the destruction of everything. I would like to remind you, if you go back, you'll be put to death. With that in mind, how about going over there as my instrument of Destruction? As long as you kill the invaders, I'll let you goof around there as a demi-god until you die of boredom."

I stand up onto one foot and start to spin. On one hand I could fuck with the sins, or on the other hand I could dick about harder with new people. I do love the game I doto them. Like punch run or burn the clothes. I think it's getting too old now, and it takes forever to fix myself after the fun.

"Now I know your trying to think of a way to milk-"

"As long as Jebediah is ok, then I'm ready for whatever I'm planning for."

This time, it is I who leans back for space.

" I know I chose you for a reason, but, just, ok."

With that, I start to swim through hands and wait though the longest learning session of my life. God it's to long.


	2. Fixed?

**I'm bored, theirs nothing to watch, so I'm going to wright some.** **Legal Stuff** **If you want to sue me, I wish you good luck, fucker!**

I've always known I'm a pervert, but it's nice to be able to confirm it. I wake up with snow everywhere, and my Platinum Dong on the forehead of a unconscious masked man. I would get off, but it seems Truth took my metal limbs. With a clinch of my ass cheeks, I form new limbs from the ground. It's at this point that another masked man stabs me.

" I know what it looks like, but I didn't take his womenhood. Now, could you please take your boyfriend and go to whatever sex dungeon you crawled out of."

It takes another three stabs to get me mad. At the sixth stab, I look down at my body. It seems I have ink that would make both Scar and the homunculus family jealous. It looked like a huge red Ouroboros moving, eating itself across my body. Nice.

As the masked stabber goes for the seventh go at body, I give his real body a good punch to the head to knock him out. I put the lovers in a 69 just for fun. As I chuckle at what I've done, I hear a light cough to my right side. It seems like someone just ran through a fire. I knee next to her?

" I have to thank you for fighting Lung. Us small time villains need to stick together."

What in the name of Truth did she just say? I know it's not Amertris, and it's not Creta or Drachma. It doesn't sound like any language I know. I could start cursing myself for my lack of knowledge, but that's just going to waste my time.

As I look up at them, they run off as a loud bike drives up. As I look at the man in blue armor, I remember I only made myself auto-mail limps. Blue alchemic lightning arcs around me to form cloths. My familiar military Jacket welcomes me. It seems he got a little mad at that.

" You are suspected of para human crimes. Come in for questioning or be met with force."

It seems that is the main language here, and that he's some kind of military officer? I take out my watch and look up for the sun. Seeing that it's setting, I put in the right time. With the only stalling done, I pick up the burn victim.

" Hopefully you can underside some of this. This girl needs medical attention soon. Lead the way to a hospital, or I'll find one myself."

He holds a hand to his ear and starts talking. As he's talking I make car from earth, and smooth out the ground so I can drive out of this alleyway.

" My German is very hard. You follow me to hospital, then we go to work place to talk about pare people."

He sounds like a three year old, but I think I know what he said. With a curl of my toes, I make a car out of the earth. I gently put her in the back sit and strap her in.

Why does everyone drive on the wrong side of the road? We make it there in short order. I open the back door, then I got shoved aside by a nurse. Rude. I look over at the blue man and give a shrug.

" Follow me."

I get back in and follow him to where ever he's going. If they try anything, well, I know they can't do anything to me. I know nothing about this man or those above them. Hopefully they have some books for me to learn about this place. If I can, I might set up a auto-mail shop like back home. Hopefully I'll make a few new animal friends, maybe some people friends, and stop the world from ending. I might want too make a list so I don't forget all this.

We pull up on to a boat? It seems like we're going to the metal boat with a see though dome on it. They have a lot of guards to this place. Well, if I still wanted to be a dog, I might have liked this place. I follow him into a garage in the wall. It seems they like metal a lot. Plus the color white is everywhere.

" Follow me to questing corner."

He really needs to work on his speaking. He leads me into a interrogation room. The only thing I dislike is the mirror. I give it a poke and learn the trick of it.

" Sit down."

I as I sit down, I change the seat to a more comfortable chair. It's so nice to not clap every time I want to do Alchemy.

" Hello, I'll be the translator for you. You can call me officer Jones."

I grab his forearm and give it a nice shake. He seems a little weirded out by that.

" Hello, I'm a State Alchemists. My code name is The Full Auto Alchemists. I'm a member of General Roy Mustang's battalion. I'm under direct order of King Bradley to scout out unknown Nations. At the time of being nocked out, I was on the outer border of the country Xing. Would you please tell me why I'm here and where is here?"

They talk to themselves for some time. I check my watch to see the time. It seems that it's past midnight right now. I stand up to get their attention.

" It's always nice to see a couple arguing over me, but it's time for me to go. If you'd be kind enough to show me a Inn to sleep at, that would be wonderful of you. Also, do you know where a library is, or does this country not have libraries?"

I start to drum my fingers on the desk as they talk more heated with each other. Finally, the armoured one left in a huff.

" We can't confirm what you say is true, but so far you haven't done anything wrong. If you'll follow me, I'll get you some directions and show you the civilian way out."

I give him a nod and follow him outside. He hands me some papers with some barely readable directions on it. It seems he can only talk somewhat good.

" Your going to have to get the car registered if you want to drive it. Come back here within the week to get all of the required paperwork filled out, or be labeled as a villain and be hunted down like all the rest of them. Please just don't do anything incriminating until then."

I give him a small nod as I wait for the boat to reach land. Hopefully no one will mess with me.

 **And done**

 **Hope someone will get fired by one of my works. All I want is more fanfiction to read god dammit. I really want more inhuman fanfiction to read. I like reading a lot more than I like making fanfiction. Go out and make your dreams memes people!**


	3. Tea Talk

**HaHa, I tried to fix some of the problems with the last chapter, but as I looked it over again I saw more misspellings. Please just like it as the somewhat good trash it is and make your own. I'll also try not to wright when I'm dead tired anymore, ok guys?** \--

Welp, buying land for a home was pretty easy. Also, selling pure resources turns out make a lot of money. Now if only people would stop trying to look inside my house. It's starting to get very old days ago.

If it was only the dirty homeless people, I wouldn't be this mad right now. I had to fix my walls three times last night. But the colorful home wreckers can be sent away with a few slaps or destroying their cloths. Too much sausages have been freezer burnt this week.

Now if only that work on the last, and worst, of the constant stream of nobodies in my life. **The suit people.** They come in many different types. The most abundant of these pest are the law ones.

The house isn't this. You can't have that in a city zone. You have to allow a electrician to see bla bla... Most of then go away after I fix whatever they want or with a small comment.

The next are those who want to sell me somthing. I it be said that I'm a saint for not killing them. They just won't take no as a answer! Nothing I say will make them go, but alittle blue sparks make them run for the hills.

The last of suits is the most friendly of them. It seems that wearing mask is a common thing in this world. This Alex person is a rather good conversationalist. After a few talks with him, we learned a lot about each other. Having someone who believes me on where I came from is wonderful. I think that knowing eachother has made us grow as people, and it is through him that I figured out a new passion in life.

Alex seems to have taken up one of my favorite saying " Hate the person, not the group." Sadly, with his new ideology, his group has split up. At least I could teach someone my history. If only he wasn't so busy as of late. I did to stay in the present for now. It seems my first potential customer is here.

" You can come in."

Tap, Tap, Tap, is all I hear before the man comes into view. It looks like he's seen better days. He has sunken eyes, thinning body that once hold strength, and a stump of a missing a leg.

" You look one step into the grave. How about you hop over here and talk over tea."

" I don't care your the hot new Cape in this shithole, I'll still hop my foot up your smug ass."

I lazily point to the cup of tea. He only mildly curses as he sits down. We sit there, sipping the fresh tea for some time.

" Ok, this is some good tea, but what do you want from me? I can't do shit since I lost my leg."

" There's only one of two things I'll do, but that's for later. Now, if you where a color, what would you taste like?"

" What... are you just going to fuck with me?"

I give a go on gesture to the man as I drink my tea.

" Fuck... I guess I'm tart like a blueberry? Is there a point to this?"

" Very, now, when was the time you called your loved ones?"

At that, he starts to think for sometime. He drinks the last of his tea and looks up.

" Wow, it was on New Year's. I haven't talked to my aunt since... Why haven't I call her in so long?"

" When you become god, what would you say?"

" Why?..."

I sip the rest of my tea, and pull out a box.

" Hey, want a new leg?"

" How, I mean ya, but why-"

" Cool, cool. You got crushed by falling metal, so I guess you need a strong, but light one. Silicon? That can work, and you got cut..."

I grab his leg to feel it out. He only has up to the mid-thigh, so I'll make it up to the knee for now. With a flash of blue, I make it and plop it down next to his foot. Another flash marks me getting it to size.

" What are you-"

" If you want a new leg, it's going to take two hour of surgery, weeks of rehab, and setting up a talk with your old boss."

" It's not like I have anything shit to do anyway, so why the fuck not? Now give me a few minutes alone, I got someone to call."

I take the cup away to clean. Well, turn into blocks and set down. So super cleaning. Now all I did is to wait, and make a good, big fence around my yard.

 **Ok, done. I know my OC is very weird in this, and he's meant to be. I'm trying to make him a mix of chaotic, weird, and genius. The amount fluctuates depending on his mood. Hope ya like my thoughts.**


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